Soul Searching
by Iris Messenger
Summary: AU set in New Moon. Eclipse Spoilers. When Charlie sends Bella to the shrink after Jacob's disappearance from her life, soon the unwilling soul searching she endures sets up a cycle that threatens to break apart every aspect of her life.
1. DISCLAIMER

**DISCLAIMER:**

**All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

Charlie has insisted that Bella see a psychologist, or he's sending her to Florida. Jacob never broke the rules, she hasn't seen him for months ... How can a simple visit to the shrink set up a destructive circle that threatens to break apart every aspect of her life? AU set in New Moon. Eclipse spoilers.

This started out as a one-shot, but I decided to add a few more chapters (okay, a lot more chapters!)

This is completed, being edited as I post and contains twenty-six chapters.

I wrote it as a challenge for myself, having never written in present tense or with no dialogue before. Yes, there is _no_ dialogue here. Give it a chance though, you _might _be surprised.

The back-story:

Edward has left, and when Jacob becomes a were-wolf, he leaves Bella and hasn't seen her since. This takes place a few months after Jacob leaves.

**Any flames will be snerked at with friends right before the s'mores are roasted upon them.**


	2. Soul Searching

The man told her that the rain would fall quickly, washing away all the footprints dug deep into the dirt by the riverbank.

That she would be able to watch the marks fade, until the place was clean.

As if nothing had ever happened.

Nothing.

Ever.

Raw irony, that—as if the traces could be swept clear in such a short time. There will always be the parts that remember, that bear scars on their skin, that bear bruises in their hearts. There will always be parts that will never come back, because returning is too painful.

And then those that will return, year after year. A sort of pilgrimage, made out of respect. Or is it fear? These parts try to forget, every day. Fighting not to recall every motion, every consequence. And the guilt runs thick through their lives. Guilt for trying to abandon their past, trying to forget the shattered glass and torn friendships. The guilt is tangible in every element of their existence, filling the passing days with its insinuating scent. So they return to the place with fear in their hearts. Fear that there will be rebuttal for trying to wipe out the event.

She laughs at this speculation, but it is not a happy laugh. It is a sad sound that is can barely qualify as amusement. She hasn't laughed, or even smiled, since Jacob said goodbye to her, that awful day when the fragile patches on her heart were ripped away.

Her mind is likened to a war zone in the shrink's office; every part of her is dissected and turned into a person reacting to the pain in another way. The man means well, but she can never come into the open. She has gone to far in her lifelessness, so far that if she talked about _them, _everyone would think she had snapped from the blows that two different people heaped upon her.

Nobody understands the way she's become. They can't realize how deeply she loved him, how much of herself she gave away. She doesn't blame them though. She doesn't have the energy to, and anyway, she didn't know how much she gave until it was taken — and anything she was given in return was taken as well.

The visits to the psychologist never helped because she couldn't talk. The words are like swords, slashing through her without mercy whenever she makes the mistake of uttering them aloud—even if it's only to herself. Charlie doesn't realize how painful it is; that the monochrome world she sinks deeper and deeper into is a direct result of the unwilling soul searching she endures.

Soul.

That word is as painful as _his _name, because it was a soul that he was sure he didn't have. It was a soul that she had seen, again and again, whenever he was with her. That soul shining through him and making her sure he could never hurt her. He had been bitter about her trust, but she could never take it back. Even now, she trusted him. She trusted the words that had killed her; she trusted that he would never come back.

_It will be as if I never existed._

No, it could never be that way. He had left one thing with Bella. He had left her memories. It wasn't kind, that he had left her that. The memories that faded and then came back and gnawed at any chance of a new life.

The only reason she endured the pain of visiting the shrink was the bargain. She stayed in Forks, but she had to visit _that place._ After sinking even deeper into her own world where feeling didn't exist, Charlie had put his foot down. Either she was moving to Florida or she was visiting a doctor. The choice hadn't been hard. Painful as it was to be in the perpetual rain where every raindrop pounded his absence into the fibers of her being, the sun could burn away the memories.

And that would be even worse, losing the only thing he had left with her.


	3. Rainstorm

The raindrops slip from the clouds and fall downwards, where she waits.

She isn't wearing a raincoat, just a cotton shirt and jeans. Her hair is loose, swaying in the gentle breeze, darkened by the wet. The water beads on her eyelashes and disguises the tears falling to her cheeks. The house behind her is empty, the lights off, the only car in the driveway is hers. Charlie is still in the office. He has taken to working late, perhaps because he's stopped visiting La Push. Ever since Jacob had left her, Charlie and Billy haven't spoken.

Bella's being shies away from thinking of Jacob now, just as thoroughly as she flinches from reminders of _him._

The rain fell harder, little hailstones mixed in, but she just turns her face upwards and lets the stinging flecks of ice beat away all thoughts. She's trembling from the cold and wet. _Why am I still here?_ She asks herself silently, but there isn't an answer. Just quiet. The steady pound of the rain erases all other sounds, and Bella is grateful. Silence scares her, because then she can hear her heartbeat. And that is one of the sounds that belong to _him._ So while she flees from music, she also flees from quiet.

She hasn't seen the shrink all week, because he's sick. Bella is relieved. The tiny man with the big glasses doesn't know how to help her. Sometimes she wonders whether anything can help her. _Things will be okay as soon as you let go._ He tells her. But that's the trouble. Bella doesn't know how to let go, doesn't even think she wants to. The few moments of glory before the dark were so beautiful, Bella doesn't want to forget. She wants the scar there, the bruise on her soul, to linger so that she won't ever heal fully. Perhaps it isn't healthy, but Bella knows she can't live with herself any other way.

_There is probably a tug-of-war inside of you. Move on, hold on, move on, hold on. You need to move on, Isabella._

Bella suddenly stoops, grabs a rock, and hurls it into the forest as far as she can. Not very far, and way off where she was aiming, but it feels good. There is faint anger inside her, because the foolish man with his PhD in Psychology _doesn't understand_. This isn't the volume of love a high school girl with a tendency to be melodramatic has to get over. This is something much, much more enduring. And then to have a best friend, the one who made her feel real again — just give up? There's a limit to what human hearts can take. The feelings that rip into her start to well up, and Bella quickly drops her arms and squeezes her eyes shut against the rising tide of emotion that threatens to drown her. Reassuring numbness gradually creeps back through her veins, and Bella sighs in relief. She reminds herself to be careful, because one stray moment of feeling could destroy her shaky world.

No, it would just finish the job—_they_ already had destroyed her world. Funny, how she no longer held her torso when her thoughts floated in _his _direction. Perhaps there weren't any more pieces to hold together. Down the road she can see the headlights of Charlie's cruiser coming home, and she hurries inside, leaving dripping footsteps on the floor. She was barefoot on the asphalt, and with her luck she cut her foot, so there is blood in her footsteps as well. When she gets to the bathroom she dries herself off and puts a band-aid in the small wound. Her nose wrinkles at the rust-and-salt smell of the blood. The door opens and her father calls into the dark house for her.

She pauses a moment then answers him, hearing that her voice is flat. She quickly changes and gets on with making dinner, ignoring the concerned face of Charlie.

When she wakes up in the middle of the night screaming, she is more terrified than usual, because now there's a new nightmare haunting her…

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**What do you think she's having nightmares about now? Next update hopefully tomorrow.**


	4. The Scream

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Chapter title fun-fact: It's named after the painting by Edvard Munch, depicting an agonized figure against a blood red skyline. It is said by some to symbolize the human species overwhelmed by an attack of existential angst.

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moving on from existential angst ridden symbolism...heres the chapter!

She pushes through the mist and the damp, searching for something just out of reach, just as she has been for the past five months.

But now instead of a deserted woods, there are shadows—shadows that glitter frighteningly in the corner of her eye. She starts to run, observing dispassionately that she doesn't trip over the roots as she would if any of this was real. But Bella pushes away the thought that this might not be real, because swimming at the edges of her vision are figure that look suspiciously like the Cullen's. She stops short when that name is thought, waiting on edge for the punishment that will come.

He appears. Bronze hair in casual disarray, eyes a clear, light butterscotch with pale lavender smudges underneath them. His perfect face smiles gently and he holds out his arms to her. And behind him, their perfection making Bella's heart thud painfully, is the rest of her family. Her eyes rove over them hungrily, not daring to think their names, just watching them. And they watch her as well, none of them speaking, just looking. The silence is deafening, and Bella can hear her heartbeat. When she realized this, _his_ head tilts as if he can tell what she is thinking. And then in the irrational way people react in dreams, Bella runs.

She dodges the trees and fights the mist so that she can see ahead of her, all the while running from her heart's keeper. When she looks behind her there isn't anyone, Bella wakes up screaming and sobbing hysterically.

Bella had thought that not being able to remember _him_ was the worst thing that could happen to her. Now she knew better. To run from him, that was worse. She curls up into a ball trying the muffle the jagged gasps. She is lucky it's windy tonight and she can't hear her heartbeat. Just that simple drumbeat would have driven her off the edge. Suddenly a memory grabs her with such force that finally she is able to stop gasping.

_Driving with Jacob, fizzing with excitement about breaking promises. They pass the cliffs, and she sees the graceful figures of Sam Uley's gang jump one by one from the top. Though she is worried at first, later she dwells on the seeming carefree air that the boys had as they flung themselves off the cliff. The way they had no worries, no heartbreak. She wonders what it would feel like to fly…_

She wrenches herself out of the past, and quickly builds her repressive wall around herself. Quickly, because soon the tsunami of pain will swamp her, and there won't be a quiet place to find her numbness. She wonders when the punishment for thinking _their _name will come. And she wonders what the consequences of remembering _that day_ will be. That day, so prohibited for two reasons: It was a day with Jacob, and it was the day she found the key to _his_ voice.

Breaking her rules about ignoring nightmares, Bella wonders what about the dream made her scream. Perhaps it was the frightening familiarity of the beginning. But that's unlikely. Maybe because of the broken promises that seeing _him_ brought to mind. Suddenly she jerked her train of thought to a stop. She was analyzing herself, even outside the shrink's office—or _that man's place,_ as she called it in her mind—she couldn't escape the constant scrutiny. With a hollow laugh she grabbed her blankets from the floor where she'd kicked them, and lay back down in her bed. She tries to forget the dream as she slips into an uneasy sleep.

When she wakes up in the morning she realizes why she was screaming. It was because she was running from _him,_ as if he would hurt her. And Bella knows that he would never hurt her.

But then again, nothing is certain for her, anymore.


	5. Silence

She floats through the day directionless as a feather in the wind, passionless as an empty cornhusk. Charlie doesn't comment on her haggard appearance, results of the nightmare. Bella thinks that perhaps she's appeared this way so many times that it's normal.

At school people ignore her, even faithful Mike Newton leaves her be—though every Friday he _still_ asks her out. The teachers never call on her; the gossip is never about her anymore. She is an empty space wherever she goes. Bella throws herself into her studies with desperate abandon, avoiding confrontation and seeking the smallest amount of interacting humanly possible. Sometimes she'll feel a breeze of cool air touching her arm, and she'll turn—a knee-jerk reaction. She doesn't think _he's_ touching her, she's jut so attuned to cold things on her skin. When the bell rings Bella hurries to the parking lot, throwing herself into the rain and to her truck, so that no one will talk to her. They wouldn't anyway; they've all seen the way she stares blankly at some point behind them until they leave.

Today she works at Newton's Outfitters. She's been moved to the back room so that the customers aren't put off by her flat eyes and neglected air. Mechanically she checks inventory, lifting boxes into place and carefully keeping her mind and body blank. When she drops a box of food-canisters on her toe she doesn't yelp in pain, just checks the contents of the box for damage and limps about her business. She feels the concerned glances of Mrs. Newton and her son every time they come into the back room, but she can't work up the energy to care. When work is finished she pauses for a moment, leaning wearily on the counter before taking off the ugly neon-orange vest that marks her as an employee. Mike comes up to her, and looks like he might speak, but then he closes his mouth and turns away with a defeated air. Bella is relieved that he stays silent, she can't even pretend today. Somehow last night tore away her flimsy façade of normalacy that she's been struggling to maintain. Today is the first day she hasn't spoken even one word to anyone. Most other days she responds in a monotone voice, trying to lie to the world.

Before anyone else can talk to her she throws her raincoat over her shoulders and jams her arms into the sleeves. She moves quickly into the car, and drives faster than she ever had before _he_ left. These days she's in a hurry to get anywhere, but when she's there she's in a hurry to leave—escape the ghosts of frigid kisses or sunny smiles…

Work is fairly save, because neither of _them_ had soldered their memories to the place, as they had so many other places.

She's late as usual; she never makes much of an effort to be on time to get to _that place._ The bland receptionist smiles and gestures her into the office, where the little shrink sits behind his desk with his fingers laced in a steeple and resting on the desk. He ignores that she is fifteen minutes late and starts the session. He asks innocent questions that she answers tonelessly, being careful not to analyze any hidden meanings—those thoughts can hurt. She normally keeps the answer short, only one or two words, at most a sentence. Today she is silent, refusing to answer or react to anything she does. As usual he displays no emotion other thancarefully thought-out concern, every motion calculated to make her feel comfortable about telling him _everything_. Every deep down feeling that she must be stifling, every half-hidden thought that ever crossed her mind. It doesn't work, Bella is too used to controlling her reactions, being around _them_ and all their perception made it something she had to learn. So he never learns anything of consequence from these little question games. When Bella leaves the office, it is with the slight satisfaction of knowing that she is possibly the most difficult patient to ever grace the office.

When she finally comes home, she is even more drained than usual. The effort it takes to suppress all the memories from the prying shrink is colossal. She wonders idly where she came by the strength; she knows she couldn't have done it before.

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**look, i hate having to ask for reviews, but there have been over one hundred hits, four chapters, one favorite, two alerts ... please review.**


	6. Agony

When Charlie comes home to no dinner and the lights out, he goes upstairs to Bella's room. She is lying on her bed with her eyes wide and glassy, still as a statue. At first he can't see her breath, but then he notices the butterfly light movements of the hair fluttering over her mouth.

He calls her name gently, but she doesn't answer.

Bella knows she is scaring Charlie, that he thinks perhaps she's attempted suicide. But she won't do that—things haven't gotten that bad, yet. She doesn't answer, just turns to look at him with lackluster eyes. He exhales at first with relief, but then his breath catches when he looks deeper than her physical welfare. Physically she's fairly good—though her eyes are ringed with shadows and her hair is unkempt. But if people look to closely at her dead eyes they see a world of denied pain and torture. Charlie has never thought to glance too deeply into the windows of suffering, but tonight he does. Perhaps for the first time, he realizes a fraction of what _those boys_ did.

She quickly closes her eyes and rolls slowly over, making no response when Charlie comes over and asks her if she's okay. Of course she's not okay, she's so far from being okay that it takes all she has not to start shouting how terribly she's doing. But Bella knows that it would half kill Charlie to know what she's going through. Charlie leaves eventually, and later she hears pizza being delivered. She isn't hungry, strangely enough. Today has been a day that seems suspended between reality and a dream. _The_ dream. All day she's been jumping at the cold raindrops that kiss her skin and the icy breezes that caress her neck. Bella hears Charlie talking to Renee on the phone, and she resolves to behave normal tomorrow—or at least normal for her these days. She can't be the person she once was, full of sun and sarcasm and heart. She's missing her heart anyway.

Bits of the conversation between Charlie and Renee reach her ears. There is no mention of Bella being shipped to Florida, at least Charlie is holding up his end of the bargain, but what Bella hears is worrying. Charlie and Renee are arguing about it. Renee wants Bella back, is blaming Charlie. Startlingly, tears fill up her eyes, because Charlie is trying so hard to help. Bella rolls out of bed and pads downstairs. The silence tells her that the phone conversation is over, and she sees Charlie at the table with his head in his hands. Bella goes up to him and hugs him. He looks up, startled because he hadn't heard her, but then hugs her back. Bella doesn't talk, but she wordlessly tells him that it's not his fault.

Sometimes there are things beyond human control.

She silently sits across from him and eats a piece of pizza, chewing mechanically and swallowing without tasting anything. It would worry Charlie if she started refusing her meals. After dinner she sits next to him on the couch, thinking of nothing and watching a game with him. He smiles uncertainly at her, the smile faltering when he realizes that it's all an act. He tells her to go to bed; maybe she'll feel better in the morning. She's relieved, and nods before going back to her room.

When she sleeps, she can hear the faint notes of a piano twisting through her dream. If she dares, she'll be able to pick out the melody of her lullaby. But she cringes away from the possibility of how much that would hurt. So she doesn't try to pick out the tune, just lets it float by her. Tonight the crack of a thunderstorm wakes her before the dream gets worse. She is glad. But as she lies trying to keep from drifting back into the nightmare, she wonders whether she'll ever be able to sleep without fear of agony in her dreams.

It's been so long since she's slept without nightmares…

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**The silence is deafening. I write for myself and because I enjoy exploring the Twilight Universe, but reviews are nice ... it doesn't take that long.  
**


	7. Helpless

**Hello? Anybody here? I know people are reading this ... why aren't they reviewing?**

**This chapter was really really hard to write, and it took me a while to get things how I wanted them**.

Bella wanted to ditch school when she woke up in the morning, but she remembers the promise she made herself—to act normal for Charlie's sake. Even though she was taking no joy in life, she still needed to live. How pathetic, that every since _he_ loped into her life with his graceful stride and out-dated chivalry, she hadn't been able to live for herself. She'd lived for him, and then later, Jacob. And now she lived for Charlie and Renee. Stupid, pathetic, helpless. The words echo through her head in a torturous rhythm that fills her with self-loathing. Bella wants more than anything to be able to live for herself.

She isn't paying attention to the road as she drives to school. Though the asphalt is slick, she's used to the wet conditions.

But then she makes a turn that's too sharp, she starts skidding, and she runs into a pedestrian. She brakes the car and half tumbles onto the road, suddenly scared that she's killed someone. When she sees whom she's run over, she stops still.

Lying there in the road, his face paler than she's ever seen it, is Jacob Black. And he's not moving.

The scream is caught in her throat, choking her. She stands there in shock for a few seconds—can they really be seconds, they feel like hours! There are a few people already gathering at the scene.

She doesn't know what she says, perhaps the shrill sounds that escape her mouth have meaning, but Bella doesn't know. He still hasn't opened his eyes, moved. The past few months are forgotten as she flings herself onto the asphalt beside him, scraping her knees. She calls his name soundlessly, her eyes tearless. She wishes she would cry, but her tears have been locked inside her for so long that she almost can't remember how. The ambulance arrives, along with Charlie, his eyes wide in horror at Jacob motionless and Bella beside him, looking lost and almost as bad as Jacob.

He pulls her up gently; murmuring empty comfort into her ear, telling her it's not her fault. She pulls away and stares at Jacob, trying to see him move.

He's grown, put on muscle—a lot of it—and his silky black hair is cut short, barely over an inch long. Bella wonders if he was so massive before, or if it's just her memory at fault. And he's _still not moving_. Gradually her breath creeps up and her heartbeat climbs till it's a thundering staccato in her ears. The EMT's load Jacob into the ambulance, and then Charlie hands her over to them. She's going into shock, she thinks distantly as they inject something into her arm and soothing voices talk. It's as if she's balancing inside a glass bubble, watching the scene flicker by in one of the old silent movies. The ambulance's sirens cut the air, driving everything home to her. She can't be numb anymore, because the concerned faces of the EMT's bending over Jacob scare her too much.

She asks again and again if he's okay, but all she gets are vague statements, meant to soothe her, not inform her. They've injected something in her bloodstream to make her calm and sleepy, but Bella doesn't want to sleep. She tries to tell them, frantically gesturing with arms that feel so heavy. But the darkness is swirling around in her head, making lines soft and her brain feel fuzzy. The silence presses down on her from all sides. Silence is the worst thing for her now, because she can hear her heartbeat, drumming out the seconds and minutes.

There is one thought she holds on to as she sinks deeper into sleep. _Please, don't let him be dead…_

**It's a cliffie! **


	8. Empty Sunlight

**This was, i think, the hardest chapter to write to date. I really do like Jacob, he's fantastically awesome—but I was listening to sad music at the time, and this is what happens when I listen to sad music and write at the same time...**

When they tell her, she doesn't believe it.

How can he not exist anymore? How can someone as vibrant and good as Jacob simply die, snuffed out like a candle at the end of a party. But the doctors say that a rib was broken, puncturing his lung and heart.

Jacob wasn't even killed instantly; he had to live for a few hours in pain before he went.

Her body feels empty, there's a tingly hollow feeling in her chest and throat, in the pit of her stomach. At night all the what-if's overwhelm her—if she'd paid more attention, if she'd called 911 quicker, if she'd been driving slower. Her world is no longer grey; her world is red with the blood that's on her hands. No matter how many times people tell her it's not her fault, that it was an accident, she still can't escape the guilt.

At his funeral Bella doesn't wear black, she wears yellow. It doesn't feel right that someone so full of light and day should be seen off amidst a sea of night. The compassion of everyone who'd known Jacob is hard to bear, even Billy doesn't blame her—instead he pulls her into a hug and whispers that he's sorry. She almost starts to bawl right there, because it's her fault. She didn't plan to speak at his funeral, but Billy beckons to her.

Bella tells his friends and family about afternoons spent in the garage, about his kindness to her, about the way his smile outshone the sun. And she tells them she's sorry.

She doesn't know it, but everyone there admires her strength. Bella stands tall and dignified as they bury her friend. One of the boys from the reservation stares at her with a horrible accusation in his eyes, and tremors start to shake his body. He yells out that she killed Jacob, and Bella stands there underneath his blame and doesn't speak. Part of her knows it's true. Then Sam Uley puts his hand on the boy's shoulder and silences him.

Later he comes to her house and sits beside Bella. He tells her everything in an urgent whisper, telling her she has a right to know what happened those months ago. Sam sees that the deadness in her eyes is deeper than the recent events.

Bella once would have had problems believing a word Sam says, but now she accepts it without a question. _Werewolves, too dangerous to be around you, he loved you still._

It's like empty sunlight, knowing he'd loved her and she'd killed him. Her long dormant emotions have woken, the longing for Edward all but pushed away in the shock and grief and guilt of what has happened. See, she thinks his name without fear. Nothing can hurt her even more than has already happened. Funny it took this to come to terms with his rejection. Bella still hasn't cried for Jacob Black, though she wants to break down more than anything.

That night Charlie and Billy have dinner together, ordering take-out—it is obvious that Bella is in no shape to cook. Bella's upstairs in her room, thinking.

Jacob was a werewolf, her best friend, and he was dead.

The tears that hadn't come all through the past three days finally let loose.

She is glad to finally be able to cry.

**I'm SWITZERLAND people, so Jacob lovers, don't take this personally.**


	9. Gravity Moves

**Sorry for all the gloom and heartbreak last chapter. I'm afraid things are going to get worse before they get better.**

Soon it's summertime, and she has graduated, much to Bella's relief. She is tired of staring faces and sympathetic teachers. She is tired of being the source of morbid fascination. She's hasn't driven since it the day he died, and doesn't intend to for now. Bella is comfortable walking or asking Charlie for a ride. All her friends have drawn away, only Angela still calls sometimes.

Bella stopped seeing the psychologist after Jacob died. Charlie finally realized that it wasn't helping her to cope, and cancelled the sessions.

The nightmares still haunt her sleep, sometimes echoing with the awful thump-crunch of the accident. She has stopped trying to pretend that she's all right. She can no longer face the struggle. The pack of La Push invites her to bonfires that Bella attends occasionally, because she feels closer to Jacob when she's on the beach with the hungry flames dancing before her eyes and baking her skin red. The heat on her cheeks feels almost as if she's blushing, but Bella doesn't blush anymore.

She's coping—somehow.

Charlie pressures her to apply to colleges, but Bella isn't ready just yet. She doesn't know what to do with her life. Yesterday she moved out and now she's staying with Leah Clearwater in a small house that they're renting together just outside of the town, though still in La Push.

She and Leah somehow became friends, perhaps because they both knew betrayal and loss intimately. Though Leah is abrasive at times, constantly bitter, and as touchy as a live wire, Bella envies her. Bella envies the way that Leah has built another life on the collapsed foundations of her old one. She wishes she could be that strong.

Bella unpacks her clothing into the rickety dresser, her mind blissfully blank as she concentrates on the familiar folding motions. Her room is every bit as small as her old one, but the size is comforting, somehow. Her window is medium sized, with white curtains framing it. The paint job looks distinctly un-professional, the soft yellow paint is uneven and there are drips in places. Leah's younger brother Seth re-painted the whole house a week ago. The bed is the same one that was in her bedroom at Charlie's house; the desk is small and second-hand, as the many scratches and dents attest to. Sitting on top of it is a clunky laptop that Bella found cheap in a little electronic store just outside of Port Angeles. It's only slightly less fossilized than her old computer.

The dresser full, Bella throws her suitcase into her closet and flops onto the bed, wondering when Leah will come home. She glances at the alarm clock on her dresser, and sighs. It's seven, and Leah said she'd be home an hour ago. Bella's worried about the pack as well, yesterday Embry said something about a fresh trail and extra patrols. She hears howls coming from alarmingly close by, and Bella quickly goes downstairs, her heart thumping painfully hard. She hopes everyone is okay. When she peers out the window a relatively small wolf with light gray fur is snarling at the door. Bella stares at it in shock for a moment. The wolf sees her face in the window, and suddenly seems to shrink inward and upward.

A few seconds later a naked Leah Clearwater is standing on the front step. And then a sandy haired wolf lopes up and turns into her younger brother, Seth. He's limping though, with a gash in his side that's still new looking, despite a were-wolves fast healing.

Bella lets them both in, ignoring the fact that they've got nothing on. Leah quickly runs upstairs, but Seth collapses on the couch. Bella hands him a blanket.

All the time, Seth is looking at her as if nothing else exists. His eyes are roving all over here, but coming back to her eyes and staying there with a strange expression of need and adoration. Bella can't look away, though she knows she ought to check on Leah. She realizes the two of them have phased for the first time tonight. Her heart goes out to the both of them. Seth is only fourteen or fifteen, for all that he looks older; the vampire Embry was talking about must have brought on the phase.

Then Leah comes downstairs and sees her brother's expression as he looks at Bella. She gasps and then sits down hard on the floor.

Seth has imprinted on Bella. Bella realizes this the same moment and runs to her room without speaking, the tears already starting to fall down her cheeks.

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**wow ... please people ... reviews anyone? By the way, I've gotten a sort of writing blog that you can visit via the homepage link on my profile to see what i'm up to writing wise. **


	10. Slender Reason

Bella cries all night, ignoring Seth and Leah knocking on her bedroom door. When Leah and Seth have left to see Sam and the rest of the pack, Bella emerges from her room and takes a shower. The steady pound of the hot water does nothing to calm her, though it does wash the tears from her cheeks.

She sits in the dimly lit kitchen, listening to the erratic raindrops on the roof, trying to think clearly. Her head aches from the long sobs of last night, and her eyes feel puffy still. Bella isn't even quite sure why she was crying. Perhaps because she doesn't want to hurt Seth or Leah, but she knows she can't love Seth back, as a life-mate. Bella knows she isn't good for anyone at this point—even if Seth won't care she's broken inside.

When she hears the car pulling into the driveway, and then Seth and Leah talking, Bella hastily scrawls a note and rushes out the back door in a split second decision. She hears Seth calling her name, his voice full of painful hope that needles at Bella as she crouches among the bushes in the back. In her hands, cold and hard, are the keys to her truck. She hasn't driven since she killed Jacob.

The roar of the engine brings Seth outside, but all he sees is the fading beams of her taillights in the rain.

Bella isn't thinking anymore, everything that is happening now is pure instinct and a reaction to her state of mental overload. Everything has finally become too much. _Part of me was busy making contingency plans…I wasn't going to live without you…_

These words echoed in her head, just a shadowy remembrance of his crystal clear, velvety voice that she loved.

She takes the road uphill to that place with Jacob where she saw the cliff-divers. Nobody is there now; the rain is falling heavier. The wind picks up, churning the wave-tops into foam and turning the grass around the cliff into little whips that sting her calves as gets out of the car and walks to the edge. She's just in her pajama tank top and a pair of ratty cargo pants that are too short, only reaching down to just below her knees.

It seems like she sways at the sheer ledge for hours, teetering between life and death—love or loneliness. She hugs her arms around herself, not even conscious of the battle raging inside of her. Bella's whole self _wants_ to jump, wants so much the peaceful oblivion of air rushing past her ears and the wind buffeting her frail body to and fro—and then the silence of underwater. But the part of her so hardwired to live for others, to stay existing for Charlie, and Renee, and her promise to Edward kicks in, and balances out the mad desire to jump. Right now all her walls are so completely down that she can think his name, even though she winces and wraps her arms tighter to hold herself together.

Bella is unaware of the sobs tearing the air around her, she just knows that her throat aches and she's terribly unsure of where to go next, what to do now. She'd contemplated ending her life, but never has she been so close to finding out what it's like to die.

There. She's acknowledged that this is why she drove to the cliffs. She's acknowledged that she is thinking seriously thinking of killing herself.

The rumble of another engine comes into her hearing, and she see's Leah's car coming through the thick rain. She takes another step closer to the edge, kicking off her shoes and clinging to the rock with her toes, keeping a precarious balance on the cliff and her reason. Bella is dangerously close to snapping from everything.

Seth calls her name full of fear, and Leah echoes the concern. Though they get out of the car, they don't come close, scared they'll push her into jumping.

In a trembling voice Bella apologizes, and then tenses her legs and pushes off. The last thing she hears before the wind fills her ears is Seth's agonized cry.

Then she's flying, and it's every bit as exhilarating as she'd imagined those months ago. And in her head, Edwards' golden velvet voice pleads with her. But Bella doesn't answer, because she's made her choice.


	11. Borrowed Warmth

The wind tugs at her clothes and spins her around, but Bella doesn't mind. Finally she's happy, with his voice in her ear and his face perfect in her vision.

Bella didn't expect the water to be as cold and rough as it is, but then she remembers that she'd seen the whitecaps before she jumped. She doesn't try to swim; just lets the waves buffet her to and fro. Her mouth fills with water and it goes up her nose, but Bella is too caught up in Edward's face to care.

Under the waves she's peaceful, the water still drags at her, but the tumult of the storm she jumped into is silenced down there. She can hear the faint rush of water, and her heartbeat, pounding in her ears. Bella is happy, because Jacob _and_ Edward are both with her as she drowns. They are both furious with her, obviously they want her to live, but she shakes her head to their orders to get moving.

Something hard crashes into her, and she thinks maybe it's the rocks. She loses consciousness then.

She wakes up.

The water in her throat burns.

Her heart is still beating.

The pain makes her sure she's not in heaven.

Perhaps she's ended up in hell.

A warm voice.

Jacob.

No, another wolf-boy.

One who wants her to let him love her.

She floats in and out of thoughts.

Then something hits her chest hard and she opens her eyes in shock and coughs out what seems like a river of seawater. She can breath easier now. Bella hears a husky voice pleading her name and at first she thinks it's Jacob, then she sees that it's Seth and Leah both.

Bella starts to curse, telling them in no uncertain terms that she wanted to have died a few minutes ago. Leah's face is thunderous, probably because if Bella had died, Seth would probably have followed her without a thought. Seth just puts his arms around her. Bella wants to pull away but she can't move, she's too tired and bruised. She shakes her head limply, mumbling something about broken hearts and hurting people she loves. Seth lets Leah hold her, sensing Bella's uncomfortable in his arms. Leah can't stay furious with Bella for long, because Bella looks so small and alone with her dark hair bedraggled and her face pale and scratched. Leah carries her to the car, stronger than her slim frame suggests. But then again, she's a werewolf now. Bella dozes beside Seth, her head on his shoulder, while Leah drives to the hospital.

Bella's thankful that they say she fell, instead of telling the truth—that she tried to kill herself. She winces at that thought, wondering how she could have thought that she'd help people by dying.

The doctors gave her something for shock and stitched a gash on her shoulder. They said she was lucky, and so was Seth. She thinks she'd be cold except for the borrowed warmth of Seth at her side. Seth doesn't care about himself, he just looks at her with love plain on his features. Bella isn't thinking about that, she's concentrating on not falling apart. The hospital was a painful place to be, because now that she's in control again her walls are back up. The names and places of Edward and Jacob are back to taboo. She surreptitiously snakes an arm around her torso to hold herself together.

At least there are pieces to hold together at all. She doesn't want to be empty.

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**sorry for keeping ya'll waiting so long! hopefully I'll update sooner this time. please review!**


	12. Choices

Bella wakes up disoriented, because she thinks that she heard a high, tinkling voice call her name gently—and Alice left over half a year ago when Edward did.

But she wakes up and there Alice is, a perplexed and slightly disapproving expression on her face.

Alice wants to know what Bella is doing living with a fresh werewolf not entirely in control of her temper. Bella glares stubbornly, refusing to look at Alice's face, focusing instead on the shoes—small black flats with a satiny look, adorned with small bows on the toes; designer, no doubt.

Alice's eyes are too hard to look at, the clear topaz color reminds her of too many things, all shattered months ago. Bella is sullen, fighting with anger and confusion and pain of course—the pain that underlies every aspect of her tiny, pathetic excuse for a life. Bella feels undone, like all her protective walls have been ripped away from her with Alice's prodigious vampire strength. Bella's heart stutters as Alice examines her, and she doesn't realize that she's paler than she's been since the jumped of the cliff—and that her lips are pressed tight and she's shaking and sobbing. Alice is worried about being here, something about a treaty, but she had seen Bella jump.

She asks whether Bella was trying to kill herself, and Bella laughs at that. A short harsh bark that contains no humor. Why would she want to live, anyway? Bella wonders whether Alice knows everything that's been going on in their absence. She answers with the truth, knowing Alice would see a lie as soon as it happened.

Alice's calm demeanor suddenly collapses and she throws herself across the room and flings her arms around Bella. There's so much guilt in Alice's face that Bella softens and hugs her back.

Then things go wrong.

Leah comes into Bella's room, snarling and already starting to lose her shape. Alice jumps in front of Bella, dropping into a protective crouch with her teeth bared as Leah tries to lung at her. Bella screams and starts pleading, telling Alice to get out and Leah to calm down. But neither will go, and Bella shrinks against the corner of her room. Angry howls and yips and snarls echo as more of the pack arrive, infuriated by the encroachment on their territory. Bella shouts at both of them to cut it out, and then Paul bursts into her small room and there's the wrenching snap of Alice's arm is torn off as she springs in front of Bella to keep Paul from mauling her. Seth bursts in and joins Alice in keeping Bella from his out of control pack mates.

Alice orders Bella to get out before more werewolves arrive, but the door is blocked as Sam arrives. Nobody spares a thought for her huddled in the corner with her mouth open in a silent scream as she watches tiny Alice and Seth defend her from the out of control werewolves. Sam's presence does nothing to calm down the two most volatile members of the pack as they fight the vampire, their primal enemy.

More blood, a few scarlet drops fall on Bella, and Alice is dead, her small form torn in pieces and scattered all over Bella's room. Paul continues to worry at an arm, but Leah suddenly stops and transforms. Leah takes one look at Bella's face and runs. Then Sam—still phased—gets his teeth into the scruff of Paul's neck and drags him away. Bella cries out and closes her eyes, sinking into a dead faint.

It wasn't supposed to happen this way.

None of this should have taken place.

If Bella hadn't jumped off a cliff—if she hadn't met Seth—going even further back—if Edward hadn't left, or hadn't been in her life in the first place…

To many splits in the past where what-if's have been dropped into merely memories of what could have been, should have been.

Choices…it all narrows down to that. Wrong choices, right choices

So many things have gone wrong.

**I'm sorry. This story wouldn't go any other way. I cried writing this chapter, it was really really hard ... ****I know I've killed off two popular characters...But this sets the stage for what's happening next. And don't worry, your Edward chappie is coming up in one more, after the next update. **

**I'm really sorry that this happened to Alice... **


	13. Forever

She thought she knew pain—that there wasn't anything else that could happen to her.

The immense shadowy beast chews on her guilt and sanity, worrying away until Bella is nearly catatonic. She's moved back to Charlie's house, unable to live with Leah anymore. He is glad to have her back, though he's worried that he'll have to hospitalize her. The pressure to go to college that Bella moved away from has vanished; Charlie sees that she's upset—although he doesn't know why. He doesn't know about Alice's death.

Yesterday Sam drove Bella to Charlie's house with her things packed in the back of her truck. Seth was squished in the front between her and Sam, his arm around her shoulder protectively. He's explained about imprinting, that he'll be whatever she needs him to be. Right now she needs someone to hold on to her and keep her from slipping after Alice and Jacob.

That night, back in the familiar room, she looks at the window—it's closed and looks like it's been that way for a while. Bella grew so used to falling asleep with an open window that she pads softly over to it and flings it wide. Then she quickly gets back into bed and burrows under the covers, trying to suffocate the memories that assail her. She wonders whether it's going to be too hard to sleep in this place.

Her expectations of a nightmare seem to be fully met.

It's strange, she still feels awake, but in her open window there's a face that's startlingly familiar. Jasper Hale is looking through her window with a horrified expression. She wonders hazily why she can think his name without a stab of pain—even in a dream that shouldn't be possible. Maybe she's used all her emotions up, and for the rest of eternity she'll be a shell.

Then he has climbed deftly through her window. Bella notices hazily that his eyes are dark with hunger, though Jasper seems not to mind being in the small room with her.

Bella closes her eyes and tells him to go away, because it's a dream and what's the use. When she opens her eyes he is still there. She knows it's a dream, and informs this perfect figment of her imagination as much. His eyes go sad, with a pain that goes almost as deep as hers. She asks Jasper why he looks so horrified.

The answer is not a shock, really.

He can't sense her. He can't feel any emotion coming from her, only flickers every so often. It's like she's dying inside.

She laughs bitterly. Jasper is right, she is dying inside. She doesn't know if there's anyone who can put her back together.

Jasper is here because of Alice. He wants to know how she died. Bella looks at him with panic stricken eyes, but then she sees that he knows her pain, and his pain. Right now, in this room, it must be torture. Emotions are thick as static in a badly tuned radio, hissing electrically through the air. As Bella talks, she wonders who told her vampires can't cry. Because Jasper is crying—even though tears aren't coming out. He's crying as truly as she has ever sobbed her heart out over her soul mate.

Forever is a long time to love someone, and she knows that forever is how long it will take Jasper to say goodbye to his tiny wife.

Bella doesn't ask if Edward knows that Jasper is here. She doesn't ask whether he can feel if Edward still loves her. Bella knows that whatever the answer, she'd need Edward to tell her herself. And she won't ever see him again, anyway. He promised her _that, _at least.

The thought brings little joy.

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**I got a few people saying what will happen to Jasper, and my answer is READ! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing, and not being as angry as I thought some of you would be for Alice's death.**


	14. Cotton Candy

Promises are like cotton candy.

Sweet, but they dissolve easier than mist.

Bella thinks this as she and Seth sit in her truck eating the pink feathery sugar. Seth is easy to be with, never questioning her, never wanting more than she'll give, just being there—as if his whole existence is because of her. Actually, it is.

Seth knows that she can't love him, and because he can't find any wrong in her, he doesn't mind. Seth is dating girls in his class. Bella is glad that he's not taking things personally. She doesn't tell him about Jasper Hale coming to her room, though. She trusts him, but by now she's found out about how when wolves phase they share their thoughts inadvertently. And she certainly doesn't trust anyone else in the pack. Not after Alice. She winces and Seth looks at her, always attuned to any distress.

She smiles though, and says she's fine.

But she was worried. Jasper hadn't told her that he'd try to get some of his family to go to war with the wolves, but she knew that that's what he had been thinking. Bella wondered if Jasper would tell Edward what he'd seen. She hardly dares hope she'll see him again, outside of dreams.

She drives Seth to the woods where he phases and leaves her, and the she goes to work. But she doesn't make it.

He.

Is.

There.

.

.

.

In the middle of the road, standing so she can't miss him, he's there. Bella slams hard on the brake and quickly takes a deep breath before collapsing on the steering wheel. How can he do this to her still? Make her feel all the pain, heartache, torture, abandonment—as if it all happened yesterday? He opens the door to her truck and he's so close she can smell his mouthwatering scent, and for a moment she doesn't care that he left her. He saw her collapse over the steering wheel and wants to know if she's all right. Probably just chivalry, Bella thinks bitterly.

Yet another of his promises broken. He had said she'd never see him again—him or his family. Ad now he was here.

He says her name gently, the way he used to. She shakes her head and moans. Just now, it's too difficult to breathe with the hole in her torso savagely ripping itself wider.

Finally she looks up, into the smoldering topaz eyes, and her heart stutters the way it used to. He says her name again, and then he asks.

Edward wants to know if she's all right. Bella laughs, and then turns and looks him full in the eye. His face is only a few inches away, and so he gets the full force of her agony. Edward has always been perceptive, and so he realizes that the damage inside of her will take years to undo entirely. He doesn't know whether he's even the right person to pick up the pieces and patch them together.

Bella whispers two words. _You promised_.

Edward hasn't touched her yet, but now he tentatively puts a finger to her face and runs it down her jaw line. Bella shivers at the iciness that she hasn't felt for nearly a year, now.

She asks him why he has come, why he's broken almost every promise he's ever made. And Edward answers.

I love you, he tells her.

The words make Bella's heart beat race for a few moments of euphoria, and then she starts crying. He doesn't mean it. When he leaves again, those words will return and drive themselves into the heart of her pain and make it worse. Much worse.

At that moment, they are both thinking the same things. _Will there ever be trust between us again?_

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**This was incredibly hard to write without dialogue ... one of the ones where I was tempted to break my rule. Review please!**


	15. Knife

Bella is balancing on the edge of a knife.

Werewolves on one side, vampires on the other. Both determined to rip each other to pieces.

And then her, frail and broken, tiptoeing along the boundary line.

She's getting caught between a cataclysmic war between species, and both Seth and Edward are afraid she'll get crushed between a rock and a hard place.

Bella hasn't seen him since yesterday in the car, when they realized that everything that had been as behind them. If she is to ever trust herself to his hands again, they need to build something new. She's not the naïve girl who'd never had her heart touched anymore. Bella knows loss and love perhaps even better than Edward does. She still loves him, desperately so—but somehow she can't find the right words to tell him.

Is this how it is for all lovers, not enough words, not enough time…If he'd changed her that night of the prom, all these things wouldn't have happened. She wouldn't have to worry about time, the words would come. No, there were too many decisions that couldn't be taken back. It's useless to wonder, painful to think on.

Would he have left her if she was beautiful, collected, sophisticated? Would he have loved her if she were _unbreakable _and _immortal? _If she'd been _strong?_

Bella doesn't get angry very much, but now she does. She sits in the small back yard and cries angry tears, and punches a tree, and her hand bleeds. She's angry that her life is so tangled and she doesn't have a knife to slice through the knots. It's a violent analogy, but she feels violent. She wants to be able to hurt him as much as he hurt her.

If only she wasn't so much in love with Edward Cullen.

That night when she and Seth sit on the porch waiting for Charlie to come home, he smells the icy sweet smell on her, and realizes that it's the beginning of the end. She can't love both of them and come out whole. And Seth knows that she can't love him, can't be around werewolves, not after seeing what she's seen. Not after Alice.

Bella want to stop hurting people, she's found out that Alice came because of her cliff diving, doubling the intensity of the guilt. So she's killed two of her friends now. Bella thinks idly that Angela won't last the month…

She feels helpless, as always. Bella wonders why is that she's _always_ the one who can't help. She's always the weakest link—the girl who trips at the wrong time, says the wrong thing, smells to good, makes friends with the wrong people!

WHY?

Bella looks at her slender arms, her breakable legs, her delicate face. And she resolves that she will never be vulnerable again.

Quickly now, before something can shake her decision. Build up those walls around her heart, make sure nobody gains her affection, make sure nobody gets close enough to find her weaknesses. She cuts away those pieces of her heart that belong to people and locks them tight. Nobody, _nobody,_ will have the power to break her.


	16. Too Quiet

Bella comes home to Seth and Edward circling each other. Edward slung into a predatory crouch, Seth phased into a lanky sandy colored wolf. Growls and snarls echo in the woods behind her house.

Once she would have been too afraid to stop them, she would have stood shocked and let nature take its course.

The new Bella can handle this. Eyes snapping she steps between them and starts scolding, effectively calming down Edward and Seth, whose tail goes down at the anger in her face.

Pleading, Edward wants her to come visit Alice and Esme and Emmet, who are all missing her. Seth wants her to visit Quil and Embry and Emily.

Bella takes an almost vindictive pleasure in informing both of them that she's busy, she's made plans with Angela Webber, who's visiting for the weekend. The expressions on both Edward and Seth's faces match, for once.

Then she turns away and stalks into the house. There are no more growls, and Bella is secretly thankful.

With Angela it's almost easy to pretend that her heart hasn't been ripped out and trampled, and now put in frozen storage. Somehow, Bella thinks Angela sees through her flimsy façade. Angela always has been perceptive.

Angela and Ben are still dating, and, looking almost furtive, Angela flexes her ring finger, and a small diamond set in delicate gold glimmers there. She and Ben are engaged. It'll be a long engagement; they've agreed not to get married until after college. Bella feels a pang of something remarkably like jealousy, Angela's got a peaceful life, one with no feuds and death and mortal danger. No, she can't be jealous, Bella still doesn't regret those few shining moments when she thought Edward loved her.

Angela asks how she's doing, she's heard the news of Alice, heard the Cullen's are back. Bella just shrugs, doing a commendable imitation of someone who is completely indifferent to the fact that the love of her existence is back in her life. Angela purses her lips for a moment when Bella quickly changes the topic, but then shrugs and immerses herself in the small talk.

Bella finds it easy to be peaceful with her friend, but when she finds herself too comfortable she abruptly gets up, feeling her face freeze into the familiar lines of passivity and makes an excuse. She's got to get home, make dinner, do laundry, a million things—all of which interfere with hanging out longer with Angela.

Seth is gone, there are a few drops of blood on the porch, and Edward is sitting by it with an almost smug expression, besides the fact that he's got a pale scar on his wrist that was _not_ there before.

Without so much of a glance at him she goes inside, and ignores the knocks on the door. He calls through the door and she chops onions, so that if she starts to cry she can blame it on them.

That night, for the first time in years, she sleeps with her window closed. She doesn't sleep well, it's too quiet.


	17. Dance Forever

The new, cold, icy Bella doesn't have pain to deal with. She can function every day and fool almost everyone.

Only Jasper Hale knows what has happened to her, whenever he keeps watch outside her window. He hides his thoughts when Edward is around him, which is not often. Edward doesn't need to know what he has done to Bella, turned her into a girl whose only constant emotion is a frigid self-control.

Winter has come for her. Bella is as cold as a vampire, her chilly hands never falter when she catches a glimpse of one of the Cullen's watching her. Even when she sees a flash of Edward's dazzlingly perfect form she's unaffected.

Bella has finally started applying to universities, much to Charlie's delight. There's not much she can't try for, the mindless way she threw herself into her school work after Edward left boosted her grades, as did the way she dove into school again after Jacob. Bella plans on majoring in psychology, oddly enough becoming one of the shrinks she despised. A lot has changed; a lot has been thrown into perspective. She doesn't want to stay moping after either of them. She tried running after Edward, and that only got her to where she is now.

A very well collected zombie.

Now that's ironic, that that movie she saw with Jessica…After all these months she's still a zombie, even now that her prince charming has come back.

Maybe she doesn't need prince charming anymore. Bella hasn't spoken to any of them for a week, not since Edward and Seth fought outside her house. She never thought she'd say this—but she doesn't care. Bella always thought she'd find it easy to love them again, but now she's finding that it's not so. Bella never wants to care about someone as deeply as she cared for these people again. Never.

Seth and Leah and Sam have come to see her. She welcomes Seth, but shows no sign that she can see Leah and Sam, other than clenching her hands into small fists pressed against the sides of her legs.

Get out! She wants the murderers off her porch, wants them away where the pang of pain that tries to needle through her barrier can't.

They inform her that Paul is dead, killed by a vampire. Emotionless, Sam tells her it is open war now.

Picking a side, that's what they've come to tell Bella to do. She can't straddle the canyon between the two species any longer. It's time to decide where her loyalties lie.

Seth moves towards her when she reaches a decision, anguish in his eyes. Bella has picked the one option they all thought she wouldn't take.

She's leaving Forks, because she's been accepted to Penn University. It was a shock when she heard, but she suspects Cullen interference. So she's sidestepped the issue of who she stands by. Sam's eyes harden, and Leah stands beside Seth with an angry face, but Bella merely smiles politely and with glacial coldness points to their car.

You can't dance forever; Sam calls out the window of the car. You can't keep tripping over lines and expect to stay neutral. It's past that point.


	18. Epiphany

Bella sits in her now familiar dorm, trying to lie to herself.

She's _not_ sorry she left. Though she doesn't care a bit about the werewolves, she can't shake the look of agony on Seth's face, the look of disbelief on Embry's face. Though she doesn't care a bit about vampires, she can't shake the expression of absolute heartbreak on Edward's face, the expression of misery on Esme's face. Why can't she forget the solemn sadness that Jasper had whenever he looked at her, the lost abandonment on Emmet's face when he saw her off at the plane.

Forgetting is harder than it sounds.

Alice and Jacob may haunt Forks, but she needs to stop running and face up to the fact that it isn't her fault they died. Maybe she always knew that, and loved the wallowing in misery. Well, except for when she decided she didn't care.

Oh, what the _hell!_

Bella doesn't curse, never even comes close, but finally, after a month, she's ready to admit that shutting herself off isn't working. Not a bit.

The questions have kept her from sleeping… What would have happened if she'd stayed? Would she have loved Edward again? _Would she have loved Seth?_

Her grades impress her professors, she's made a few friends, and she's found a steady job. Why isn't she happy? She's moved on like he wanted. She's getting _on_ with her life, having left all the supernatural behind her in the small, rainy, boring town of Forks. It's not fair. Oh wait, that's not news.

Nobody ever said life _would_ be fair, Bella thinks wryly.

Then she slams down the report she's working on with sudden decision and goes to her ratty old purse that she still has. In her wallet is her debit card, and there's enough in her account to fly to Forks. On an impulse, who would have thought that she would do that? Bella, these days, is known for thinking things out—analyzing every action for unforeseen consequences. That's what she failed at before, so she resolved never to make that mistake again.

These promises to herself are out the door in an instant. She writes a note to her roommate, throws some clothes and essentials into a backpack, and leaves a message in the secretary's office, explaining that a family emergency has come up. She smirks at that, more like an epiphany.

Once she would have been worried, full of insecurity, now she knows how to rely on herself. Her life is empty without the friends she left in Forks. Nothing will fill those gaps. She loves Edward and always has.

There's no doubt he'll take her back, he told her he'd always be in the wings, he'd always love her—even after she left, afraid to make a commitment to either side of her life.

Perhaps the months being an idiot have been good for her; she knows now what she needs, who she runs with. The werewolves aren't hers; they've burned to many bridges. And she's got a claim on her that reaches to before the werewolves were in the picture.

Bella runs with vampires.


	19. Vampire Girl

She knocks on the door of the big white house with her bag in her hand and her heart hammering somewhere up in her throat.

Carlisle opens it with a surprised expression, taking in her backpack stuffed to the brim and the spark in her eyes that he hasn't seen since Edward left. He invites her in, and she steps through the doorway to see Rosalie handing a wad of money to a smug looking Emmet.

And she tells them. She runs with vampires. They are quiet, and then Emmet scoops her up in a surprisingly gentle bear hug, grinning ear to ear.

Bella's eyes rake over the family hungrily, and even Jasper smiles at her unrestrained peacefulness and joy at being here. She hasn't felt the familiar click of acceptance and family since she left the Cullen mansion. It feels good, like a part of her is returned.

Edward comes downstairs, his eyes black as pitch, his movements slow and listless. Then he sees her and it's like watching the sunrise, the way he suddenly comes to life. Bella's grin fades slightly, replaced by a softer longing.

Typically, all the Cullen's fade into the background, in a way that's obviously meant to be tactful.

Bella doesn't say a word, and just lets him come to her very slowly. In one sudden movement he closes the distance between them, and so he's barely a foot away, looking hopefully into her eyes. Like the first time they don't touch at first, they are testing themselves. Trying to figure out if they are still in love. She reaches out her right hand and puts it on his lips, tracing them lightly with her fingers, and then moving to re-memorize the rest of his face. He does the same, and she closes her eyes and savors the still-familiar coolness on her cheekbones and nose and eyelids.

They don't need to talk, Bella knows what he'd be saying, he knows what she'd be saying. So they are quiet together, exchanging a world of unspoken words.

He abruptly pulls his hand away so he can scoop her into his arms and press his face into her hair, releasing a small moan of pure happiness. She's crying, but unlike so many of the tears before this, these tears are happy.

Home is where the heart is, and Edward has her heart. He always has.

Jasper suddenly tears downstairs and out of the house, his face a mask of absolute agony. Bella and Edward jump apart guiltily, realizing that their emotions are too intense and full of love for Jasper to handle.

Edward lets go of Bella and streaks after him. Bella can guess why, Jasper's going to do something stupid. Really, really stupid.

It's funny; Bella once thought there weren't any ways to be reckless and stupid in Forks. She had been proven wrong, then. Bella thinks it would probably be slightly harder for a _vampire_ to do something reckless and stupid.

Unless Jasper isn't _in _Forks. Unless he's in La Push.

Bella still can't forget that she has loved a werewolf—that they've loved her. This whole stupid war is _her _fault.

So she'll have to fix it.


	20. Her

Esme is worried, but she tries not to let Bella know. She shows her to Edward's room where the bed is still there.

Bella feels slightly giddy, even through her concern for Jasper and Edward and the werewolves. Though she's a vampire girl, she still loves them.

Esme leaves her alone, and Bella is morbidly grateful that Alice won't be able to see what she is planning. Bella gets in the shower and lets the water run over her for a long time, trying to let the hot stream relax her. It's not working.

She tells herself there's nothing she can do today. That's the responsible Bella speaking. The other part of her knows that she could probably find some way to help, if the werewolves won't attack her on sight because of her leaving them. She knows that the only werewolf who's love is totally unconditional is Seth. Sam and the others will likely be furious with her.

Bella finally turns off the water and gets dressed. Edward and Jasper still aren't home, and Bella can tell that Esme, Carlisle, Rosalie, and Emmet are afraid for them.

Emmet is following her, and Bella suspects that Carlisle told him to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid. Sure enough, when she tries to go outside Emmet wants to know what she's doing. Bella blushes.

She can see Emmet wants as much as she does to go after Jasper and Edward, and so she tells the truth.

He says she can go…if he can go with her. So he picks her up and they're speeding after the scent. When they reach the border Emmet stops, and Bella tells him to put her down. She'd rather he not come with her, but predictably he doesn't want to miss a big fight. He grumbles at her slow pace, but Bella doesn't want to risk not being seen by the werewolves. They won't attack her as readily as they'll attack Emmet. Being an imprintee has advantages, she supposes.

Emmet stiffens suddenly and a threatening snarl echoes through the woods. Bella jumps and looks behind her, taking in his suddenly slung forward crouch and predatory expression.

He's picked up a familiar scent all right, but not a friendly one. He tells her to get behind him, and she hurriedly does. Emmet won't tell her who it is though.

Without warning he picks her up again and he's running after Edward and Jasper. They reach a clearing and Bella gasps.

It's Seth and Edward again, and Jasper fighting Embry _and _Quil. Emmet puts her down and bellows at them to stop. Surprisingly they do, though growls and snarls ripple around the clearing. Bella steps in between Edward and Seth.

Edward suddenly jolts up and tells Bella they need to get her home quickly. The three werewolves are tense, as if they'll spring again any moment. It's probable that only Bella's presence and keeps them from fighting.

Bella insists they all go home. Edward shakes his head emphatically, and then answers an unspoken question from Quil.

Yes.

Bella suddenly is frightened, though she doesn't know why.

High cackles echo through the night and someone all too familiar flounces into view.


	21. Lunge

Bella freezes and backs up until she hits a tree. The rough bark is reassuring on her neck. Edward crouches in front of her, Emmet and Jasper and the werewolves fan themselves in a loose circle.

Red hair still seeming to flame in the darkness, coal black eyes stark against her pale skin, it is Victoria.

Come to avenge her dead mate.

Emmet and Jasper and Edward are all hissing at each other, saying how they thought they'd gotten rid of her. Edward shoots a baleful look at the werewolves, who somehow shrug while snarling their heads off.

And then out of the clearing come twenty other vampires, eyes ruby and wheeling wildly out of control. Edward curses, grabs Bella, and makes a break for it, closely followed by his brothers and the werewolves. They are outnumbered. Panting, gasping, trying desperately not to dry heave, Bella closes her eyes and tries not to think about the yips and yelps and roars as the newborns take the chase. Out of nowhere five other wolves appear, and Edward shouts something to them that Bella doesn't catch, but causes the wolves to fall back for a moment.

Bella knows that if killing her wouldn't hurt Seth, the werewolves would go and leave the Cullen's to fight on their own.

She can hear the frenzied sounds of newborns driven mad by her blood and the thought of a fight.

The high gasping panting that is her trying to breathe.

The steady sound of feet on the forest.

They've reached the big white house leading a horde of vampires behind them. Carlisle, Esme and Rosalie look with shock at the scene unfolding, then Rosalie shoots out the door beside Emmet. Carlisle and Esme as well are out the door soon. Edward gets Bella behind the solid line of vampires and werewolves.

Jasper is barking orders, and Bella wonders faintly how he knows what to do.

Bella can tell that Edward is searching for a way to get her out. She gets her back against the wall and watches them collide, the vampires and the werewolves, locked in a bloody battle dance that's her fault.

Well, at least it's not the werewolves against _her_ vampires. Small comfort. Everywhere she looks there is someone she loves in danger. Even Edward jumps forward now and then to help out someone in a tight spot, though mostly he stays snarling rigidly in front of her, daring someone to come close.

It's kind of weird how they're catapulted into a battle when a few hours ago she and Edward were happy and peaceful.

Victoria is in front of Edward dancing madly, feinting here and there, laughing and shouting, trying to goad him into leaving an opening.

Edward takes a swipe, swaying side to side, locked in combat while Bella watches with her face stretched in a terrified grimace. It seems like everything is happening in slow motion, though she knows that in reality each motion takes only fractions of fractions of a second.

And the opening is there, Victoria has maneuvered so that she's in the right position for a lunge for Bella's throat. With a roar of desperation Edward tries to move quickly enough.

Slow motion, scenes flickering, Jasper turning and seeing the situation, alerted by the emotions of desperate terror coming from both Edward and Bella.

A vampire lunges towards her.

* * *

**I haven't update for a while, so I figured I'd give you quite a few chapters to make up for the wait. Thanks for sticking with me here, and hope you enjoy!**


	22. Let Him Go

Bella screams just once as Jasper throws himself in front of the brutal, crushing blow meant for her. He's knocked backward and on top of her, there's a dreadful wrenching sound as Victoria manages to pull of one of his arms. Jasper rolls quickly to the side and Bella crawls backwards. Teeth bared, eyes hard, Jasper stays protecting her while Edward tries to fight of three other newborns that took the chance to jump on him while he was on the ground. And another newborn comes to help Victoria take Jasper.

Edward and Seth together have dismembered the three newborns on him, now it's Jasper, Edward, and Seth against Victoria and the muscular blond male. Another newborn comes to help, small, dark haired, and quicker than even Victoria. She darts in to snap little bits of Jasper with her teeth. Seth tackles her and tears her apart. Bella flinches at the high keening all around her, newborns being torn to pieces and then thrown into a blazing fire the younger werewolves started. The air is thick with a sickly sweet smell, like incense.

So is that what it is? Some brutal sacrifice to a forgotten pagan god of war?

And Victoria lunges at Jasper, her arms stifling his blows, her mouth at his neck. Edward stops fighting for a moment and looks towards Jasper with a pained expression, but one of understanding and compassion as well.

There is a chance for Edward to save him. There is enough time. There _is!_

Again, things flicker into slow motion, and Jasper is being ripped to shreds and thrown onto the fire.

Edward _let_ him go.

The Cullen's all stop fighting for a moment, watching their brother or son die.

And then they throw themselves into the fight with a renewed vigor.

As suddenly as it began, it is over. Edward and Esme kill Victoria, and throw her on top of the pyre of bodies.

Bella presses against the wall of the house, mouth open in a silent scream, tears streaming unnoticed down her cheeks. The lanky werewolf that is Seth streaks to her side, as does Edward. The two look at each other with a tense understanding.

Bella wonders what Jasper was thinking, those last moments, for Edward to have such a strange, mixed expression.

Seth digs his nose into the crook her arm, and Edward has his arm around her and his cheek against her hair, both of them trying to soothe the uncontrollable shaking.

Images of the past hour flash through her head:

_Esme, a smear of blood on her forehead, teeth bared and eyes deadly._

_Emmet in his full glory, taking on five newborns back to back with Rosalie—who looks like a goddess of war._

_Victoria with a feral grin, that terrifyingly familiar feline grace evident in her every, deadly move._

_Carlisle with his angel's face distorted in guilt and sorrow, systematically killing vampires._

_Seth and Leah taking on a massive vampire together, snarling and fiercer than anything Bella has ever seen._

_Jasper's face just before he dies. Calm. At peace._

There is nothing that has happened today to make her want to smile, but Bella smiles for Alice and Jasper.

Together again, like fate meant them to be.


	23. Fault

The day after the battle everyone is shell-shocked.

Bella sits in the Cullen's house with Edward beside her, trying to adjust herself to the jarring absence of Jasper's calm smile and Alice's bubbly presence. Carlisle sits upstairs in his study and doesn't come down, Esme wanders through the house looking lost. Rosalie and Emmet have gone hunting.

It's happier than she's felt in a long time, sitting on Edward's lap with his arms around her tightly and his lips on her hair—and she wants to smile and remember the funny times with Jasper and Alice, not the sadness. But it feels wrong to laugh, like the sound might shatter the air into a million sharp pieces that will cut like glass.

Outside the fire that burns the newborns—and Jasper—smolders gently in the perpetual mist, hissing every now and then.

She and Edward have so much to talk about, but not today. Today is a day of silence and a slender balance between wanting to wake up and find it a dream, and realizing that it is all too real. So Bella swallows the words at the tip of her tongue and is content with the quiet.

Finally she gets up and rummages in the kitchen, finding a stale box of nearly fossilized Cheerios from when she used to come over here all the time. Funny, that's almost a year ago, now. Esme sees her chewing steadily away and her face becomes distressed, but she doesn't offer to go out and get something slightly more edible. Perhaps the simple act of grocery shopping will crash down the loss of her two children, and Esme has been dealing well so far.

When Bella is done choking down her breakfast, she pads upstairs to the study where Carlisle is, pausing a moment in front of the wooden cross. When she knocks Carlisle answers quickly.

He knows what she has come to ask. Bella wants to know if it was her fault—all of this mess.

It isn't.

It isn't her fault that her blood sings to Edward, that James tracked her, that Victoria tried to avenge her dead mate…It's not her fault that Jacob died. Bella can't be held accountable for all the minute twists of fate that led to Alice and Jasper's deaths. Bella knows this really, but there is something about hearing in Carlisle's calm voice, seeing his golden eyes look so wise and compassionate.

Bella pauses, and looks at him, and puts her hand on his arm.

It's not his fault either. She tells him.

Carlisle looks at her with ancient sadness, and he smiles a slow, small smile. He looks tired, Bella sees. So she tells him that it's not his fault. Not his fault that so many newborns died, not his fault that one of his sons and one of his daughters died. He can't prevent all the suffering in the world from happening.

Then Bella asks another question: Is it okay to be happy, after all the terrible things that have happened?

Yes.

Carlisle says this with an unshakeable certainty.


	24. Demand

Slowly, brokenly, the Cullen family pieces itself together again.

Bella and Edward are still at the same impasse they've been at since the prom, over a year ago. He doesn't suggest either of them leaving though, not after seeing how terribly it worked before, but he doesn't suggest any other solutions either.

How long will she be the vulnerable part of the equation, the weakest link, the damsel in distress?

The discussion goes back and forth, ending in little tense silences that hurt like pins being jabbed again and again into tender spots. All Bella's insecurities haunt her as she and Edward argue her mortality. What if the real reason he doesn't want her to be changed is because he doesn't want a personal annoyance for eternity. Perhaps he won't love her when she's no longer human. Maybe he doesn't love her as much as he says he does.

No.

Stop that thought right there. Whatever happens, Bella will _never_ doubt Edward's love again. To do that will break her.

This has gotten bigger than just what he wants or she wants. This is affecting all of the Cullen's, what with her bringing down an army of newborns on them. And the visit yesterday…

The terrifyingly apathetic girl with ruby eyes, flanked by two hulking males with unpleasantly smug expressions. Jane, who came and smiled so angelically at Bella as she asked to speak to Carlisle. Emmett and Jane's paler crony, Felix, nearly facing off in the dining room. Demetri ogling Rosalie so obviously she punched him and Jane _smiled_ at her, leaving Rosalie in a trembling heap on the floor. And then the demand, that Bella be changed within the year. Or killed. There is a smile accompanying that suggestion that leads Bella to believe the terrible vampire doesn't care either way—as long as pain is caused. Bella won't forget Edward on the floor and in agony after taking a swipe at Jane after the suggestion of Bella's death. Blindingly beautiful smile flashed kindly as the vampire tortures him.

The Volturi, the royal family of vampires, come to clean up after the army of newborns. Their glee is little hidden when they learn of the reduction in the Cullen's numbers. Edward spent most of the visit in a slight crouch, tense and ready to spring, always in between Bella and the possible threat of Jane, Felix, and Demetri. For once she gladly submits to his protectiveness, too unnerved to be offended or difficult.

The official demand for her heart to stop beating one way or another in the near future does nothing to alleviate the heated debates, rather, the inevitability of it makes Edward fight harder. Frustrated, they reach a compromise. Her mortality will be put to a vote, because it's no longer just about them. Whether she changes or not affects the werewolves as well. If the treaty is broken, will they risk open war to retaliate? Will open war lead to the exposure they all fight to prevent?

And Sam will be voting as well. The werewolves get a say, after all.


	25. A Memory, Swallowed

Bella sits sullenly on the couch in the Cullen's living room while Edward glares at his family members each in turn. He doesn't glare at her though, which she's glad of.

It's this waiting that attacks her insecurities and fears, however silly they may be.

He doesn't want her.

The Volturi will come after the werewolves as well as her.

He doesn't want her.

The vote will be no.

He doesn't want her.

The jagged thoughts tear a track in circles around her head, making her feel panicky and empty inside.

Try as she might to forget him, Seth figures prominently in her thoughts, making her wonder whether she really is sure this is what she wants. It's hard to think about loving Seth though, living on La Push among all the reminders of the terrible things that happened. She cares for him as a brother, she cares for him unconditionally, but kissing him would be wrong for her.

Edward and his family finally assemble in the living room, all wearing different expressions ranging from cold anger—Rosalie—to concern—Carlisle—to excited laziness—Emmett.

The knock on the door means Sam has arrived, and Edward and Emmett stiffen. Sam brought Seth and Embry and Quil with him. It was obvious why, he didn't want to be outnumbered.

Bella wanted to scream at the obvious eagerness to be fighting.

The vote starts.

Rosalie wants her human.

Edward wants her human.

Carlisle, Esme, and Emmett want her to be changed.

Sam wants her human.

Bella glares at Edward. She is not giving up. They are breaking this tie.

She looks at Seth and he nods.

Edward is suddenly livid. He's stiff, his eyes so cold and remote Bella is almost scared. Whatever Seth is thinking he doesn't like it.

It's too late, Seth has offered to break the tie, and everyone but Edward agrees to let him vote. Bella looks pleadingly at him, and Seth's eyes are unsure, confused.

Seth is doing the hardest thing he has ever done, will ever do. He is killing his imprint.

Seth wants her to be changed.

Edward looks at Seth in flat out disbelief, and then unexpectedly his face is gentler, more vulnerable. Seth takes a step towards Bella, anguish clear in his face, and then he turns and phases out the door. Quil and Embry follow him. Breathing hard, Bella forces herself not to block the image of Seth's pain, to see it and know it's her—all her—and that it's ultimately for the best. She can't be torn and still grow strong. She needs to be whole, at peace with all of herself. Equal with her soul-mate. With Edward she can be as strong as him, with Seth she'll always have to be the delicate fragile one in the equation. She reaches out for Edward and he is there, pulling her close to his stone chest and putting his arms around her.

Sam growls in disgust and informs Bella and the Cullen's that they have a week to get out of Forks. After that…

When Bella Swan is a Cullen, there will no longer be protection, help, or any sort of tie to the La Push wolves. If she's a vampire, the imprint will become a memory, swallowed up in the pull of the instinct to attack an ancestral enemy.


	26. The Currency of Love

For perhaps the last time in this lifetime of hers, Bella is in her old red truck driving down the familiar route to La Push. So much has changed from when she'd drive with a hole in her heart to spend the day with Jacob. Now she's here not to be comforted, but to comfort. As she drives up to the town, she gets a few hostile glares from young boys that she hasn't met, but by their size definitely have the werewolf gene in them. She gets to Leah and Sam's house, the one she used to share until Alice—

Seth is sitting on the porch and she gasps quietly, he is in the same position she'd always taken when she needed to protect herself from the hole that ripped itself through her.

She calls his name softly, and Seth looks up, and he's in so much pain that Bella staggers towards him and wraps her arms around him. There are tears on his cheeks that he probably doesn't want her to see, so she ignores them as he wipes them off, burying his face in her hair. She whispers that she's sorry. Gravity already moved for her, she didn't have a chance once she fell in love with Edward Cullen.

He doesn't say anything, just lets her hold him for a while. Bella wonders how much this visit will cost him in the currency of nightmares and pain and loss afterwards.

Why? What made him stop fighting? What made him let her go like this?

Bella's relieved, of course, to no longer being tugged between two enemies. What made Seth see that Edward was who she needed?

Unthinkingly she asks him, and then moans softly as he stiffens beside her. He answers though, much to her surprise.

Seth describes the way her every movement seems to be attuned to Edward, whether he's near or not. Like a dance almost, so coordinated are their motions. Her face has something in it that he never sees without him, her laugh is clearer, she looks whole. Seth can't make her choose between the love fate chose, and the love she chose. Bella's always been independent; she's not letting some inevitable future rule her life.

She leans down, very slowly, and kisses Seth goodbye. Not on the cheek, but gently pressing her lips to his for a moment. Seth is surprised, still, unsure—then he brings his fiery hands to cup her cheeks. It doesn't last long, a few seconds at least, and both of them know that it's not a beginning, like so many kisses, but an end.

Bella pulls away with her eyes closed and her lips tingling from the warmth. She touches her fingers gently to them, then gets up and goes to her truck.

A long distance relationship might work, she thinks to herself—Seth is already planning his first letter to her.

The loudness of the truck's engine makes her jump slightly, Edward normally drives her everywhere, but today she had needed to do this alone. Say goodbye to the boy—or was he a man?—that was her soul mate.

Why did she find three soul-mates, when some never found theirs?


	27. Epilogue: Which Hints of Things to Come

Seth sits at the table with his flashlight on, scratching away at a piece of rumpled lined paper with an intensity that is curious. Every so often he stops writing and wrinkles his thick brow, as if he is saying something hard. When there is a noise in the hallway he jumps, startled, and his large hand covers the beam of the light as his other hand moves to slide the letter under a book. Why is he writing in secret, what is he writing?

It's a letter of course, to his soul-mate…

She left a week ago to get married and turned into a vampire, and he misses her. Despite the fact she's four years older than him, he is her older brother. That's what she needs, though it's not his preference. That kiss—he's in love with her way more than he should be. It's hard move on from an imprint, though he does try—he's been dating girls in his class. None of them hold a candle to the woman of his dreams. He wonders whether he'll just live an elongated life of loneliness. Sam had said the imprint would break when Bella became a vampire, but—perhaps he needs to see her, smell her changed scent for his body to realize that she is NOT the gravity that keeps him on the earth. Not anymore, at least.

Perhaps she'll write back.

Bella sits in her bed beside her husband, elegant fingers holding the letter with utmost delicacy, eyes bright red with excitement. Leaning over to kiss him, she gets up and lightly sways to the desk, despite the fact she's in rather racy lingerie. Edward looks at her languidly as she gets out a piece of paper and begins to write.

Her handwriting has not improved—much—from the chicken scratch she had as a human, but she can write quicker than she used to. What is she writing?

It's a letter of course, to her soul-mate…

One of several soul-mates, actually.

Her husband talks to her as she writes, and she laughs and talks back—anyone can see how in love they are with each other. Still, there's always a place just at the corner of her mouth where there's a smile that won't come again. Edward sees it often, much as Bella tries to hide it. It is Seth's smile, Jacob's smile—the one that Edward could never quite coax out of her. He sees a hint of it as she writes the letter, an Edward sighs out in frustration. Then she looks at him and smiles _his_ smile, and he forgets to be annoyed. His smile is her most radiant one, after all.

She folds the letter carefully into an envelope and grimaces. How does one lick an envelope shut when all there is in her mouth is venom. Edward smirks and hands her a glue stick. Bella addresses the envelope, slips on a long blue dress in Edward's favorite shade, and sways out the door to mail the letter.

Perhaps Seth will write back.


	28. To My Readers

**Authors Note:**

So I'm finally done updating Soul Searching. Though it didn't receive nearly the response it had in the smaller community that I update it in first — I am still convinced that I have the worlds best readers and reviewers.

Thank you to anyone who reviewed, favorited, or put on alert my fic or me. Thank you for trusting me with the story and not flaming the major character deaths (my gosh, they were so hard to write).

This story was, for me, an exploration of humanity and our ability to bounce back from nearly anything. I hope that even though there was a lot of sorrow and heartbreak, you found the hope that I saw very clearly when I was writing it.

Yes, that does sound incredibly corny up there — but it's true.

There is a sequel in the works, being written and beta-ed completely before I will begin posting it. (This fic was un-edited and hot of the press, unfortunately — something I regret doing.)

The working title for the sequel is "Letters to the Dead". I hope to have it out in two or three months. It will take that long because I do have to balance a lot of other things in my life as well as writing.

If you care to put me on author-alert, that will be a sure way to tell when the sequel is out.

Once again, thank you to everyone! It's been a wonderful experience for my first long and chaptered fic.

Incredibly long authors note at an end.

You can find a direct link to my writing/twilight blog as my "homepage" on my bio.


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